Embarrassing......

Over the weekend we took our children to my husband and I's home town.  Traveling with our extraordinary bunch is always akin to traveling with the circus....quite literally.  First, one has to pack for the family.  Packing for 5 children and 2 adults is a task in and of itself.  But, packing for 1 child who eats a specialized diet, 1 child who pees his pants 5 times a day, 1 child who needs several orange choices each day or he has a melt down, an infant (need I say more, we've all packed for them), and then another who spills everything on himself.  Clearly a lot must be packed.  But we have to draw the line somewhere right. 

So for the one who spills everything (Noah), I guess you'll have to look like a dirty street boy because I don't have enough room to pack enough clean clothes for you.  For the one who needs choices (Kaegan), man you have to get over some of these OCD tendencies at some point, so lets give it a go at Grammy's house because she has some magic charm and can always talk you off your ledge when the 'correct' orange shirt isn't presented as an option.  For the one who pees his pants umpteen times a day (Adrian), well we fixed that a few weeks ago when you moved back into diapers 24/7.  So, I just need to be sure I pack your extra large and extra expensive pull ups.  But I don't have to remember undies for you - that's a plus right? For the one on the diet (Chloe) well everything must be absolutely perfect for you - because that's how we have to role when we parent a child on the Autism Spectrum and the  Ketogenic Diet.  So I spend extra hours for you making sure everything is just right.  (Do I have all of your food ready to be weighed out at Grammy's?  Do I have your special shampoo (just in case we take a bath), your special toothpaste, and the clothes that I know won't bother you or make you claim there is sand in them.  (When Chloe is having sensory issues or is just dysregulated by change she often claims there is sand somewhere in her clothing).  For the infant (of course, Stella) well naturally babies just need a whole lot of shit on a day to day basis - so of course I pack extra.  :)  Then pack for mom and dad - naturally the last 2 to pack for.  Dad is lucky I remembered his undies this time!  :)  But, I did forget his breathing machine - so instead of having dad sleep in the house with all of the other humans we had a freight train sleeping with us.  Don't worry, I forgot my own stuff too - namely a more dressy outfit for an evening wedding that I didn't realize was a 'dress to the max' occasion.  I arrived in dress slacks, a cable knit top and tennis shoes (naturally, forgot the dress shoes).  Whatever.  At least I remembered everyone's medications......and I didn't forget a child anywhere either!!  :) It is exhausting just thinking about packing for everyone.  Yet, we love going for the weekend.  We love being close to family.  We love the chance to wake up to their voices and share in their laughter all day long.  We love it almost more than words can say. 

Sometimes traveling with our crew can be quite testing.  Of course behavior in public is tested beyond measure.  Adrian doesn't believe that we will follow through with things because we are elsewhere.  Even though we followed through last time, and the time before, and before that......you get the idea.  It isn't just him either - but it is mainly him.  Chloe has little meltdowns all day long.  She is really struggling with transitions these days.  She is struggling at home and at therapy - but magically not at school.  So, we were not sure what to expect at Grammy's.  Well, transitions were a little better than at home, but still a crying, drooling mess arrived anytime Chloe was informed of an upcoming change.  Kaegan and Noah were just uber excited to be elsewhere, so their energy level was ramped, and of course their listening ability was down.  That is natural.  It is all natural, really.  Natural that a child with Autism has difficulties with transitions, and that it isn't going to be any better when put in a different environment.  Natural that a child with attachment/trauma issues tries to push every button possible, and then push it again and again and again just to see if the same reaction is evoked.  Natural that an infant's schedule is messed up due to all of the changes. 

It. Is. All. Natural.  But, when all of that natural goodness is all wrapped up together in one big happy family sometimes it can be very stressful having our children anywhere but home.  Sometimes, it is so very embarrassing.   I was having one of those moments Saturday morning.  I was near tears discussing how difficult of a time I was having dealing with the emotions that are coming with Adrian's rages, tantrums, fits - whatever you want to call them.  I said I was embarrassed sometimes to be with him in public when he is not in control of himself.  I fully recognized to my husband that I knew this was an issue on my end - not Adrian's, but that it was still an issue.  My husband has some wise words. 

He simply asked me a few questions.  Would I be embarrassed if I bought and remodeled an old home?  Would I be embarrassed of fixing a valued vase that had broken?  He didn't need to say more.  We are constantly repairing what was broken inside Adrian.  I shouldn't be embarrassed by that, I should be proud.  And I am proud, truly I am.  What is so difficult is that when we are out in public, people don't know that some of our children are adopted, they just see a 6 year old treating his mom like crap and using words that seasoned truckers would even blush at.  They see a brat.  They see a mom who is doing a horse shit job of parenting.  They see a kid so grossly out of control that he is guaranteed to be fodder for discussion later, with their parents or spouse.  (I can hear it now...."When I am a parent I will never let my kid act that way" and comments like this).  This is difficult.  This is my problem, not Adrian's - I need to care less about what other people think of me and my parenting.  Or, I just need to just go buy a large sign to wear on both sides of my body that states that I am an adoptive mom and I did not create the mess inside this child's head - but am working my butt off to un-do it.  I guess the sign thing is less likely - but it is nice to dream. 

I guess my message here is don't judge.  When you see a mom in a store who is working to discipline an out of control child - think, don't judge.  That child may have Autism and may think there is sand in her shoes that MUST COME OUT NOW.  That child may have a history of trauma and saw something that triggered an event from the past which is causing them to act out.  That child may have OCD and see something that isn't lined up on the shelf correctly and mom choose to not stop to let the child fix it.  That child may have attachment issues and is choosing to pick a control battle right in the middle of the social services building because he can sense that his mom is already on edge being in "this" building.  You just don't know.  Then again, the kid could be just being a brat and the mom could just be a horse shit parent.  But I like to think otherwise.  By the way - these are all examples from our family.  (In case you didn't pick that up already).

An Un-Medicated Rage

Let's just start at the beginning of the day yesterday.....I already blogged about stepping outside of my mommy box for Halloween - here is the blog about Adrian's un-medicated Halloween rage.  The kids were home - it was a 'no school' day.

First of all, Stella is sick, she was up about 15 times (one looses count after so many up and downs) during the night.  So my day started a little sleepy.  The kids were all up by 7:30 (yay!  they slept in).  I decided to let the kids have a fun pajama day - they were all pumped about getting to wear they pj's all day long!  It is funny the little things that get the kids excited!  Chloe was quite upset about not putting clothes on.  She has been crying about everything lately, and this was no exception.  I laid out a clean pair of jammies, and a clean option of clothes to wear.  I told her to choose one and come downstairs.  About 20 min later she came down naked, crying, with snot running down her face and chest.  She was so clearly dysregulated by the mere mention of wearing pajamas all day.  I cleaned her up and then had her look at her brothers, all wearing pj's.  She was still reluctant, but decided to go up and make her choice.  While I was helping her, Adrian and Kaegan got into a fight and Adrian hit and kicked Kaegan.  Adrian was now my 'pocket buddy'.  This means he is right next to me, doing what I do.  He hates this, to tell you the truth; I hate this.  This child will do anything and everything to try to make me mad while he is my pocket buddy.  He makes insane noises that never stop, he asks ridiculous questions over and over and over. AND OVER.  He slows me down, he races to stay one step ahead of me, he mumbles nasty comments to me.  Can you see how annoying having a pocket buddy is?  But I do it anyway, because having Adrian as my pocket buddy is effective!  All of the children stay safe and Adrian sees that he can push my buttons and I will not respond.  This. is. hard.  It would be so much easier to just send him to his room, or have him sit in time out or something else - BUT those things don't work.  We were pocket buddies for about 30 minutes.  It was a very trying 30 minutes, he made noises or talked incessantly the entire time.  He did everything that he could to make me flip and yell at him - but I didn't and that just pissed him off more! 

After pocket buddy he graduated to reading books on the couch, by himself.  This transition flipped some internal switch and Adrian flipped out.  Let me help you visualize this.  I had Stella in my arms, standing on the tile floor looking up at the landing between our 1st and 2nd floors.  Chloe was half way down that half flight of stairs (might I add dressed in her pj's with a smile on her face).  Adrian was at the top of this half flight, standing on the landing - right next to a book shelf.  Adrian started screaming at me at the top of his lungs about how much he hates me and doesn't want to live here anymore.  Then, it got worse.  He grabbed a large book of the shelf and whipped it at me.  He missed.  But he had an entire arsenal of books next to him and Chloe and Stella were right in the middle of it.  I held Stella tight on my left hip and reached up the few steps and grabbed Chloe around her waist.  Then more books came flying and Adrian kept screaming at the top of his lungs.  As I set Chloe down - out of the way of the flying books I realized she was shaking like a leaf, then she peed her pants.  Remember, she has PTSD, her biggest trigger is her brother.  He used to beat the crap out of her in their birth home and tries to do it here.  I set Stella down on her tummy time blanket and brought Chloe to the bathroom, now sobbing, shaking and full of pee.  I helped her get on the toilet, knowing that when she gets this upset it is likely she will also have more business to do on the toilet.  I told her I would help her in a minute, I'd be right back.  It was then that I realized I had not given Adrian his medication this morning.  It was only 8:30, but he usually has his medication by 7:30.

I returned to the firestorm.  Not having anyone to aim at (both Kaegan and Noah were hiding in the living room, quiet as can be) for a minute or so helped Adrian to calm down a little bit.  As soon as he saw me he started screaming and launching books at me.  I walked right through the fire, picked his screaming, kicking, hitting and now biting behind up and hauled him to his room.  I didn't say a word to him, just set him on his bed and closed the door.  I don't know exactly what transpired in that bedroom, but I heard things flying across the room, I heard sheets being ripped of the bed, a clothes basket being launched at the closet door, over and over.  Then I heard what sounded like Adrian kicking and hitting the floor.  I imagine him on his floor kicking and hitting like a 2 year old and I felt so sad for him.  I was still mad, don't get me wrong, but I was so saddened that he experiences things like this.  Also, that he has that little of self control. 

I went downstairs to calm my other 4 children.  Kaegan and Noah were easy to calm.  I just told them they were safe, I was safe and that Adrian just needed some time to control himself.  Stella was happy as soon as I picked her up.  I think she was just upset about his screaming and the books slamming on the ground, she doesn't like loud noises like that.  Chloe was a whole different story.  I cleaned up the accident, got new clothes for her, helped her get dressed - again.  Then I rocked her for about 5 minutes before she was done shaking.  I talked to all of the kids about how sometimes Adrian gets mad and does things - but that mom and dad will always keep them safe.  They were fine after that.  Chloe didn't want me too far away from her for about another 30 minutes, but then again Adrian was still upstairs demolishing his room - so she was still being traumatized by the noise of it all. 

After about 30 minutes Adrian calmed down a bit.  I went into his room and we talked about how he needs to be able to control those big emotions in his body.  We talked about how he has no right to scare other people in the family.  I told him how scared Chloe was, he hung his head, then I told him that he scared Stella -  he started sobbing.  Adrian and Stella have some crazy bond.  He loves her so very much and I know she returns that admiration.  The thought of having harmed her was too much for him.  I just hugged him.  It is so hard to know what is an act with Adrian, but I have learned to accept affection whenever he will give it - even if it is fake.  I don't think he cared a hoot about scaring Chloe, Kaegan or Noah - but I do think he cared about scaring Stella.  After he was calm I told him he needed to take a short 10 minute rest and get his body under control.  Focus on your breathing, think about controlling your big thoughts and using your words next time.  After 10 minutes I opened up his door.  He didn't come out for about another 20. 

It was an exhausting tantrum, for all of us involved.  It was so clear to me after all of it happened that Adrian needs to be monitored so very closely.  If I would have just told him to go get a book, not followed him over there, Chloe could have gotten really hurt.  A small book could have knocked her off her balance and she would have fallen.  Glad it is over, learned some things from it and hopefully Adrian will continue to work hard on controlling his "Big feelings" as we call them. 

Stepping outside my Mommy box

One of the things we have changed at this house is the amount of free time Adrian has.  It seems if we can keep him occupied on a variety of tasks his behavior stays positive and his interactions with everyone else is positive.  So, we've been doing a lot of coloring, painting, play dough, moon sand, ect.... you get the idea.  Those that know me, know I hate cleaning up those messes.  When I was a teacher, I had no issue bringing those kinds of activities to family's homes, doing them with the child/family and cleaning up afterward.  But, there is something about doing them in my own home, with my own children and cleaning up that mess.  I would just prefer they get to do that sort of messy activity at school.  I decided I needed to start to get over that.  Yesterday was a big day for me!! 

We colored for about an hour.  Usually, I have them pick out a page of the coloring book and I rip it out for them.  But, Grammy had sent them each a new coloring book for Halloween - so I wrote their name on the top and gave them the whole book.  You would have thought I just handed them an entire cake!  They all questioned whether they could have the whole book.  I told them they were gifts and they could do what they wanted with them.  They each took a crayon and made a mark on every - single - page!  Then, they picked a page and colored to their hearts desire. 

After that, I let them choose what they wanted for lunch - see how scary this could be!!!  Waffles and pizza - and an apple Kaegan said.  Okay, remember it is all about stepping outside of that mommy box......So I made pizza and waffles.  (Chloe choose her Keto friendly hot dog and apples meal).  They ate like champs!!  I did continue with the schedule as usual and they all took a nice rest.  I used that time to knit Chloe a new hat (she has lost her other cute one, with the adorable knitted flower on it- bummer).  Well I almost got it done.  I knew what I had planned for the afternoon and knew I would need all of the patience I had and no residual stress from the morning, knitting has helped me find my "Happy Place". 

After nap we made sugar cookies.  When I say "We" I mean the children all did their own measuring, I gave verbal guidance for Adrian and Kaegan and did give some physical prompting to Chloe and Noah.  I was nervous about letting Chloe be that close to all of these foods that are not safe for her, but I decided to give it a whirl and see what happens.  They all also cracked their own eggs.......it was horrible to watch.  Adrian and Kaegan had the right idea, crack it on the side of their bowl and then use their thumbs - they did it.  Adrian only had a small piece of shell in his bowl and Kaegan didn't get any shell in his.  Chloe on the other hand just squeezed her egg in one hand.......at least she was over the bowl, her whole egg and the shell now crushed to many pieces all went into her bowl.  Noah just set his whole egg inside his bowl and smiled.  I said he needed to crack it to open it up and he said "No mommy, no mess".  I smiled, a boy after my own heart!  I helped him to crack it on the side and showed him where to put his thumbs to pull it apart.  He didn't like it. 

It took about 20 minutes to get all of the pieces of shell out of the 3 bowls - but the kids waited.  I took that chance to give them a little lesson on eggs.  We talked about where they came from (they all knew the answer) and then I talked about how the yoke is the baby chicken and if it would have stayed in its mommy's nest it would have grown into a baby chicken.  Adrian pointed out that if all of the eggs stayed with their mommy's we would have eggs to eat, I told him he was correct.  He said that he was okay with some eggs staying with their moms because he liked baby chickens, but that we still needed some to eat.  It was a good compromise.  I let them run the mixer, roll out their own dough and cut out their own shapes.  The cookies turned out well, surprisingly.  I have not come across any rogue shell pieces and they taste pretty close to what they should. 

After this we played with moon sand.  In - the - house!!!!  This has always been an outside only activity.  In case you aren't familiar, moon sand gets everywhere!!  It gets into the cracks of the hard wood floors, and if it gets on the bottom of feet - your carpet is at risk!!  The kids had a blast, I swept 4 times in the 90 minutes that they played with moon sand. 

It was a fun day!!  We had some really rocky moments with Adrian - but that is another post all together.  Despite his rage and horrible attitude I was determined to make Halloween a great day for all of them.  After supper we went trick or treating and the kids had a blast!!  Here is a picture below before we went out.  Adrian is Iron Man, Chloe is a dancer, Kaegan a Giraffe, Noah is Batman, and Stella is a ladybug.

It was a good Halloween.