An Un-Medicated Rage

Let's just start at the beginning of the day yesterday.....I already blogged about stepping outside of my mommy box for Halloween - here is the blog about Adrian's un-medicated Halloween rage.  The kids were home - it was a 'no school' day.

First of all, Stella is sick, she was up about 15 times (one looses count after so many up and downs) during the night.  So my day started a little sleepy.  The kids were all up by 7:30 (yay!  they slept in).  I decided to let the kids have a fun pajama day - they were all pumped about getting to wear they pj's all day long!  It is funny the little things that get the kids excited!  Chloe was quite upset about not putting clothes on.  She has been crying about everything lately, and this was no exception.  I laid out a clean pair of jammies, and a clean option of clothes to wear.  I told her to choose one and come downstairs.  About 20 min later she came down naked, crying, with snot running down her face and chest.  She was so clearly dysregulated by the mere mention of wearing pajamas all day.  I cleaned her up and then had her look at her brothers, all wearing pj's.  She was still reluctant, but decided to go up and make her choice.  While I was helping her, Adrian and Kaegan got into a fight and Adrian hit and kicked Kaegan.  Adrian was now my 'pocket buddy'.  This means he is right next to me, doing what I do.  He hates this, to tell you the truth; I hate this.  This child will do anything and everything to try to make me mad while he is my pocket buddy.  He makes insane noises that never stop, he asks ridiculous questions over and over and over. AND OVER.  He slows me down, he races to stay one step ahead of me, he mumbles nasty comments to me.  Can you see how annoying having a pocket buddy is?  But I do it anyway, because having Adrian as my pocket buddy is effective!  All of the children stay safe and Adrian sees that he can push my buttons and I will not respond.  This. is. hard.  It would be so much easier to just send him to his room, or have him sit in time out or something else - BUT those things don't work.  We were pocket buddies for about 30 minutes.  It was a very trying 30 minutes, he made noises or talked incessantly the entire time.  He did everything that he could to make me flip and yell at him - but I didn't and that just pissed him off more! 

After pocket buddy he graduated to reading books on the couch, by himself.  This transition flipped some internal switch and Adrian flipped out.  Let me help you visualize this.  I had Stella in my arms, standing on the tile floor looking up at the landing between our 1st and 2nd floors.  Chloe was half way down that half flight of stairs (might I add dressed in her pj's with a smile on her face).  Adrian was at the top of this half flight, standing on the landing - right next to a book shelf.  Adrian started screaming at me at the top of his lungs about how much he hates me and doesn't want to live here anymore.  Then, it got worse.  He grabbed a large book of the shelf and whipped it at me.  He missed.  But he had an entire arsenal of books next to him and Chloe and Stella were right in the middle of it.  I held Stella tight on my left hip and reached up the few steps and grabbed Chloe around her waist.  Then more books came flying and Adrian kept screaming at the top of his lungs.  As I set Chloe down - out of the way of the flying books I realized she was shaking like a leaf, then she peed her pants.  Remember, she has PTSD, her biggest trigger is her brother.  He used to beat the crap out of her in their birth home and tries to do it here.  I set Stella down on her tummy time blanket and brought Chloe to the bathroom, now sobbing, shaking and full of pee.  I helped her get on the toilet, knowing that when she gets this upset it is likely she will also have more business to do on the toilet.  I told her I would help her in a minute, I'd be right back.  It was then that I realized I had not given Adrian his medication this morning.  It was only 8:30, but he usually has his medication by 7:30.

I returned to the firestorm.  Not having anyone to aim at (both Kaegan and Noah were hiding in the living room, quiet as can be) for a minute or so helped Adrian to calm down a little bit.  As soon as he saw me he started screaming and launching books at me.  I walked right through the fire, picked his screaming, kicking, hitting and now biting behind up and hauled him to his room.  I didn't say a word to him, just set him on his bed and closed the door.  I don't know exactly what transpired in that bedroom, but I heard things flying across the room, I heard sheets being ripped of the bed, a clothes basket being launched at the closet door, over and over.  Then I heard what sounded like Adrian kicking and hitting the floor.  I imagine him on his floor kicking and hitting like a 2 year old and I felt so sad for him.  I was still mad, don't get me wrong, but I was so saddened that he experiences things like this.  Also, that he has that little of self control. 

I went downstairs to calm my other 4 children.  Kaegan and Noah were easy to calm.  I just told them they were safe, I was safe and that Adrian just needed some time to control himself.  Stella was happy as soon as I picked her up.  I think she was just upset about his screaming and the books slamming on the ground, she doesn't like loud noises like that.  Chloe was a whole different story.  I cleaned up the accident, got new clothes for her, helped her get dressed - again.  Then I rocked her for about 5 minutes before she was done shaking.  I talked to all of the kids about how sometimes Adrian gets mad and does things - but that mom and dad will always keep them safe.  They were fine after that.  Chloe didn't want me too far away from her for about another 30 minutes, but then again Adrian was still upstairs demolishing his room - so she was still being traumatized by the noise of it all. 

After about 30 minutes Adrian calmed down a bit.  I went into his room and we talked about how he needs to be able to control those big emotions in his body.  We talked about how he has no right to scare other people in the family.  I told him how scared Chloe was, he hung his head, then I told him that he scared Stella -  he started sobbing.  Adrian and Stella have some crazy bond.  He loves her so very much and I know she returns that admiration.  The thought of having harmed her was too much for him.  I just hugged him.  It is so hard to know what is an act with Adrian, but I have learned to accept affection whenever he will give it - even if it is fake.  I don't think he cared a hoot about scaring Chloe, Kaegan or Noah - but I do think he cared about scaring Stella.  After he was calm I told him he needed to take a short 10 minute rest and get his body under control.  Focus on your breathing, think about controlling your big thoughts and using your words next time.  After 10 minutes I opened up his door.  He didn't come out for about another 20. 

It was an exhausting tantrum, for all of us involved.  It was so clear to me after all of it happened that Adrian needs to be monitored so very closely.  If I would have just told him to go get a book, not followed him over there, Chloe could have gotten really hurt.  A small book could have knocked her off her balance and she would have fallen.  Glad it is over, learned some things from it and hopefully Adrian will continue to work hard on controlling his "Big feelings" as we call them.