Over the weekend we took our children to my husband and I's home town. Traveling with our extraordinary bunch is always akin to traveling with the circus....quite literally. First, one has to pack for the family. Packing for 5 children and 2 adults is a task in and of itself. But, packing for 1 child who eats a specialized diet, 1 child who pees his pants 5 times a day, 1 child who needs several orange choices each day or he has a melt down, an infant (need I say more, we've all packed for them), and then another who spills everything on himself. Clearly a lot must be packed. But we have to draw the line somewhere right.
So for the one who spills everything (Noah), I guess you'll have to look like a dirty street boy because I don't have enough room to pack enough clean clothes for you. For the one who needs choices (Kaegan), man you have to get over some of these OCD tendencies at some point, so lets give it a go at Grammy's house because she has some magic charm and can always talk you off your ledge when the 'correct' orange shirt isn't presented as an option. For the one who pees his pants umpteen times a day (Adrian), well we fixed that a few weeks ago when you moved back into diapers 24/7. So, I just need to be sure I pack your extra large and extra expensive pull ups. But I don't have to remember undies for you - that's a plus right? For the one on the diet (Chloe) well everything must be absolutely perfect for you - because that's how we have to role when we parent a child on the Autism Spectrum and the Ketogenic Diet. So I spend extra hours for you making sure everything is just right. (Do I have all of your food ready to be weighed out at Grammy's? Do I have your special shampoo (just in case we take a bath), your special toothpaste, and the clothes that I know won't bother you or make you claim there is sand in them. (When Chloe is having sensory issues or is just dysregulated by change she often claims there is sand somewhere in her clothing). For the infant (of course, Stella) well naturally babies just need a whole lot of shit on a day to day basis - so of course I pack extra. :) Then pack for mom and dad - naturally the last 2 to pack for. Dad is lucky I remembered his undies this time! :) But, I did forget his breathing machine - so instead of having dad sleep in the house with all of the other humans we had a freight train sleeping with us. Don't worry, I forgot my own stuff too - namely a more dressy outfit for an evening wedding that I didn't realize was a 'dress to the max' occasion. I arrived in dress slacks, a cable knit top and tennis shoes (naturally, forgot the dress shoes). Whatever. At least I remembered everyone's medications......and I didn't forget a child anywhere either!! :) It is exhausting just thinking about packing for everyone. Yet, we love going for the weekend. We love being close to family. We love the chance to wake up to their voices and share in their laughter all day long. We love it almost more than words can say.
Sometimes traveling with our crew can be quite testing. Of course behavior in public is tested beyond measure. Adrian doesn't believe that we will follow through with things because we are elsewhere. Even though we followed through last time, and the time before, and before that......you get the idea. It isn't just him either - but it is mainly him. Chloe has little meltdowns all day long. She is really struggling with transitions these days. She is struggling at home and at therapy - but magically not at school. So, we were not sure what to expect at Grammy's. Well, transitions were a little better than at home, but still a crying, drooling mess arrived anytime Chloe was informed of an upcoming change. Kaegan and Noah were just uber excited to be elsewhere, so their energy level was ramped, and of course their listening ability was down. That is natural. It is all natural, really. Natural that a child with Autism has difficulties with transitions, and that it isn't going to be any better when put in a different environment. Natural that a child with attachment/trauma issues tries to push every button possible, and then push it again and again and again just to see if the same reaction is evoked. Natural that an infant's schedule is messed up due to all of the changes.
It. Is. All. Natural. But, when all of that natural goodness is all wrapped up together in one big happy family sometimes it can be very stressful having our children anywhere but home. Sometimes, it is so very embarrassing. I was having one of those moments Saturday morning. I was near tears discussing how difficult of a time I was having dealing with the emotions that are coming with Adrian's rages, tantrums, fits - whatever you want to call them. I said I was embarrassed sometimes to be with him in public when he is not in control of himself. I fully recognized to my husband that I knew this was an issue on my end - not Adrian's, but that it was still an issue. My husband has some wise words.
He simply asked me a few questions. Would I be embarrassed if I bought and remodeled an old home? Would I be embarrassed of fixing a valued vase that had broken? He didn't need to say more. We are constantly repairing what was broken inside Adrian. I shouldn't be embarrassed by that, I should be proud. And I am proud, truly I am. What is so difficult is that when we are out in public, people don't know that some of our children are adopted, they just see a 6 year old treating his mom like crap and using words that seasoned truckers would even blush at. They see a brat. They see a mom who is doing a horse shit job of parenting. They see a kid so grossly out of control that he is guaranteed to be fodder for discussion later, with their parents or spouse. (I can hear it now...."When I am a parent I will never let my kid act that way" and comments like this). This is difficult. This is my problem, not Adrian's - I need to care less about what other people think of me and my parenting. Or, I just need to just go buy a large sign to wear on both sides of my body that states that I am an adoptive mom and I did not create the mess inside this child's head - but am working my butt off to un-do it. I guess the sign thing is less likely - but it is nice to dream.
I guess my message here is don't judge. When you see a mom in a store who is working to discipline an out of control child - think, don't judge. That child may have Autism and may think there is sand in her shoes that MUST COME OUT NOW. That child may have a history of trauma and saw something that triggered an event from the past which is causing them to act out. That child may have OCD and see something that isn't lined up on the shelf correctly and mom choose to not stop to let the child fix it. That child may have attachment issues and is choosing to pick a control battle right in the middle of the social services building because he can sense that his mom is already on edge being in "this" building. You just don't know. Then again, the kid could be just being a brat and the mom could just be a horse shit parent. But I like to think otherwise. By the way - these are all examples from our family. (In case you didn't pick that up already).
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