Somebody Else

As we struggle through these weeks with Adrian, Trent and I have had many long conversations of the months and years ahead.  Adrian's psychologist has also had these discussions with us.  Our last appointment with her, last week, was brutal.  She discussed the likely need for an out of home placement for Adrian as he works through this severe aggression (he gave a kid a black eye yesterday at school - remember he is 6).  We have to always look at our family's safety - that includes Adrian's safety.  Part of keeping him safe may mean him being placed out of our home at some point.  I don't know that we are at that point yet - his psychologist seems to think so.  But we have our disagreements!  She also discussed something that has been eating away at the back, dark parts of my brain.  She thinks Adrian has early onset bipolar.  I have thought that for many months now - I didn't want to speak it out loud because that is such a scary and icky thing to think about.  RAD, ADHD and PTSD are bad enough - now lets pile on another scary lifelong and very serious mental health diagnosis?  I think she is right - of course no diagnosis has or will be made any time soon.

As we think and talk about an out of home placement there is so much to consider and think about.  What would that do to Adrian's sense of security in this family.  It is already so damaged and fragile that I don't know what would become of it if he were to be living elsewhere.  I think about the kinds of kids he will be living with in a facility - do I really want my boy exposed to that?  (even though, according to his psychologist, he is one of them).  I think about our already rocky attachment, out of home placements can make or break a solid attachment with a child with an attachment disorder.  I think about how admitting that I can not provide for him the kind of mental health treatment he needs, must mean I have failed in some way as his mother.  I know I am not the one who damaged his heart and his brain - but I am the one that committed to saving him and loving him.  No. Matter. What.

I am also committed to keeping our family healthy, safe and together.  That conference that Trent and I went to last weekend was unbelievable!!  Trent and I were so inspired by the other families there, by their stories, their commitment, and their love for their children.  No. Matter. What.  It was so refreshing to be in a room of people who understood what it is like to live with and love a child with an attachment disorder.  I have so many great friends and family that I talk and vent to - but they talk about baseball leagues, birthday parties their kids were invited to, parenting struggles they are having....etc...you get the point.  And that is fine and wonderful.  I love my friends and family fiercely and I want to hear and know about anything and everything going on in their lives.  I love that my friends will also listen to things going on in my life - even if they don't understand.  But it was very comforting to be among people who truly get it.  Who live it day in and day out and who have complete empathy when I say things that may shock other people.  Parenting some of my children is a completely different experience than parenting a typically developing and healthy attached child.  Some people say things such as "My kid did that too, he'll grow out of it, don't worry."  Well meaning people say things sometimes that just make it so clear to me that my world and my life is so foreign to others.  When I tell a story of finding pee on the bathroom floor, other mom's of boys will say - "boys miss sometimes".  "Boys will be boys", "he'll eventually learn how to aim".  "Have him sit on the toilet, that way he doesn't have to aim".  Those are all wonderful ideas - really they are - for a typically developing child.  When I say Adrian pees in the bathroom, what I mean is that Adrian walks into the bathroom, pulls his pants down and pees all over the place - the walls, the cabinets, the floor.....everywhere.  It is different with him, it is and always will be different with him.  Yes, he does do things that other people see as 'typical boy' things.  But, with him it goes to a whole new level.  Boys play with guns, even if you don't have toy guns - boys make them out of legos and such.  That is typical - Adrian makes everything into a gun; block, legos, bristle blocks, his fingers, puzzle pieces, baby dolls - he even eats his sandwich into the shape of a gun.  He uses these guns to 'hunt' his brothers.  Do you see how he just takes it all up an extra knotch or two (or 5 or 8!)  It is just different.  That is my point.

I wanted to share something with everyone.  I copied this from a fellow adoptive parent/friend's blog.  I'd link it here, but she has now moved her blog private.  She is an amazing advocate for her children and every time I read her blog I realize how much we have in common.  Over this past weekend we talked about how sometimes I question whether or not I can continue on this parenting journey - or whether my Adrian actually would be better with somebody else.  This is a very difficult journey and I am baring my soul here on this blog in an attempt to have more people understand the importance of early life trauma and neglect and what it does to our youngest and most vulnerable people.  (As a side note, my children did not have prenatal exposure to toxins, that we know of).

..................................................................

Somebody else
By Kari Fletcher

I didn’t drink the alcohol that damaged your developing brain;

that was somebody else.

I didn’t neglect or hurt you when you were young;

that was somebody else.

The memories of you kicking in the womb, the story of your birth and the pictures of your first tooth belong to somebody else, too.

But when you needed somebody else, I was there.

I am contented to be your somebody else, and I want to love you like nobody else.

But there have been times when I have felt like somebody else could do this better.

Somebody who knows more, is more patient, somebody more skilled…

…who am I to care for somebody so hurt, so complex, so worthy and needing of so much more?

It is then when I remind myself that you have already helped me become somebody else.

Somebody who loves deeply, forgives profusely, seeks answers constantly and advocates fiercely.

Somebody else didn’t commit to you.

I did.

And I will commit myself each day to being the somebody else you need.

..................................................................

Powerful. Another thing we talked about over the weekend is how different families can look.  About how some families need to live away from one another at times, but they are still a family.  The reality of our lives and future with Adrian really hit home this past weekend.  It is scary to think about what it may be like.  He is already in our constant line of sight.  If/when he doesn't think we are watching bad things happen.  Bad, violent and also sad things happen.  Adrian is such a product of his environment, unfortunately, he is a product of a very scary, violent, disordered and sick environment.  The fact that he has been in our home for 2 1/2 years means nothing.  His first 3 1/2 years damaged his brain in such a way that he is unable to take in the positives of his current environment.  We have to find a way to get through all of that yucky stuff, all of those first 3 1/2 years, in order to help him heal and be shaped more like his current environment.  We don't know if that is possible while he is at home and seeing an out patient therapist once a week.  He may need something more intense.  But - we are committed to him, please do not ever misunderstand that.  We are committed to helping him heal, but we are realistic that we need help to do that.